Keep Holding On
by BeLikeThat
Summary: Chapter 2 is UP! Olivia and her new partner clash at once, but their first case together shakes Olivia's confidence. And she's plagued with depressing memories of her beloved Elliot, not to mention unanswered questions that are driving her mad.
1. Chapter One: Slipped Away

**A/N: **This is something I've been toying around with for a while, but now it's formed itself into some semblance of a story. It's based on the songs of Avril Lavigne – but before you jump to any conclusions, let me stop you right there: I am NOT a teeny-bopper, and this is NOT a song-fic. But some of Avril's lyrics just "fit" with this story. Plus I needed a title. LOL!!! ;p I have 7 chapters at most planned – but they're nice fat long (that's what she said) chapters. Sorry, I just had to add that in, being the Michael Scott/The Office fan that I am! ;)

Now, I can't make a commitment to update every day or whatever, but I _will_ try to update weekly or twice a week. So just be patient and enjoy the story! Also, I do have the tendency to include angst in my stories...so just go with it and believe that it'll brighten up!

And while I'm at it…I may as well instruct you to...

REVIEW!! Chants in low hypnotic voice "review, review, review" It's simple – just scroll to the bottom of the page…hit that glorious blue button…type a few words of praise of criticism (but no flames please!)…and send it my way! It'll be my Christmas present from every one of you. LOL! (cause if you don't review then I'll expect a season of SVU from each of you instead ;)

**Disclaimer: **The song is "Slipped Away", written and performed by Avril Lavigne (only the first chorus is included, I didn't see a point including all the times it's repeated). And no matter how much I cry, pound my fists and feet on the floor, and curse, SVU is not mine. Maybe Dick Wolf would accept a best offer of...$35.63. Wait, I found another single. Make that $36.63. But I still have to go print out photos for my mom at the drugstore kiosk so I can only offer $20. ;)

So here are the lyrics:

"I miss you,  
Miss you so bad.  
I don't forget you,  
Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me,  
I remember it clearly.

The day that you slipped away  
Was the day I found  
It won't be the same.

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand.  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't.

I hope you can hear me,  
Cause I remember it clearly...

I've had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake it  
It happened, you passed by.

Now you're gone  
Now you're gone  
There you go  
There you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you back.  
Now you're gone  
Now you're gone  
There you go  
There you go  
Somewhere you're not coming back."

_**Chapter One – Slipped Away**_

**Special Victims Unit  
1-6 Precinct, Manhattan  
May 5th, 2008 **

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

She knew she was doing something she'd sworn never to do. She was feeling sorry for herself. And she didn't care.

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

She was trying to think about everything else but that day. She was even trying to imagine what her new partner would be like.

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

The steady dripping of yesterday's rain sliding down the molding over the window by her desk was a much-welcomed distraction for her. It kept her thoughts off the images that threatened to overwhelm her.

Olivia Benson looked at her open Compaq laptop, scanning her eyes over the screen until they found what they were looking for. 6:47 A.M.

She could still count on 15 minutes at the most to continue her solitary vigil. Cragen would probably be the first to arrive, then Munch and Fin. Followed by Olivia's new partner.

Benjamin Cermele. Transfer from Kingston. He'd allegedly passed his detective exam with flying colors, then sailed through the ranks in Homicide and been transferred to the most elite SVU in New York – the Manhattan SVU. Case closure rate of 91. Not bad for only a year in Homicide.

Only because he was lucky enough to have come along at a time when there was a vacancy.

Olivia stole another look at her computer's clock.

6:48.

She turned away from the screen to stare out the window at the gray morning that lay like a heavy woolen blanket over New York. As she gazed at the clouds, her soft hazel eyes became misty and she began to allow her mind to wander back to that day. It was as if the event was being played out right before her eyes, and, just like that day, there was nothing she could do to stop it.

**Corner of East 14th street and 6th Avenue** **  
May 5****th****, 2007**

Olivia tapped the fingers of her right hand lazily on the passenger side door of Elliot's sedan, blinking as the late afternoon sunlight poured through the windshield of the car.

_God, I hate stakeouts. 'Cept with El...they're not so bad when you have a friend as your partner._

"Hey, Liv?"

His voice penetrated her thoughts, breaking the surface tension that hung between them.

She looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"You know what day it is?"

"Cinco De Mayo. But I'm guessing that's now what you're thinking of."

She'd seen it on the 11:00 news last night, and surprised even herself that she had remembered the scrap of information.

"Very funny, Liv."

She had a feeling she should know this. Turned out she was right.

"We've known each other for exactly 12 years today."

The unbidden pang of guilt that stabbed through her made her gasp inwardly.

"Damn, El, I totally…" she let the sentence hang in the air.

She looked over at him, and saw the shit-eating grin spread across his handsome features. "Wait. I joined the squad in November, not May."

He gave a short bark of laughter. "I just wanted to see what your reaction was. It was totally worth it. You got all upset there for a-"

He stopped speaking. Without warning, he reached over to the passenger side and threw Olivia down. "Get down, Liv!" he yelled as machine gun fire peppered the bulletproof windshield, nicking it in many places. The material held fast, but Elliot didn't trust it totally.

Whipping out his gun, he threw his door open, using it like a shield and pointing his small pistol in the direction of the opposing bullets. "Elliot, no!" Olivia cried, a split second before a single bullet ripped through his chest, directly under his heart.

Olivia watched him fall in slow motion. She saw his knees buckle and heard his agonizing groan, and saw the blood spray out from his chest. The force of the impact sent him crashing to the sidewalk on his back, and just as he fell out of sight beneath the car, she heard him gasp, "Liv! Stay down."

She couldn't go to him – she would get shot as well – but she couldn't just sit helplessly and pray that help would come.

But, frozen in shock and fear, the only thing she could think of was that if Elliot was dead, then she might as well be...

Suddenly remembering that she had hands, her left one darted to the receiver at her side. She barked into it, "This is SVU to base, I need a bus and backup NOW! Officer down." She gave the address, and after hearing a staticky "Copy that," slid the little black box back into its holster on her belt.

And then there was silence.

It had taken Olivia this to realize long the gunman had ceased fire. As she listened to the deafening silence, she realized that she was trembling and that icy tears were pouring down her face. She scrubbed at her eyes, then, still staying concealed behind the dashboard of Elliot's sedan, leaned over to get a clear view of him.

And the second her eyes found his motionless body, lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood, she forgot her safety. She forgot that the gunman might still be out there, waiting to snipe her off. All she could think was that she had to make sure he was okay, she had to keep him with her until an ambulance arrived. Scrambling (in a most unorthodox fashion) out of the car on the driver's side, she half-fell, half-knelt at Elliot's side. She felt the warm blood soaking through the knees of her jeans, but she didn't care. All she needed was to know that he was alive. She pulled back his torn blue shirt and gasped – the bullet had ripped right through his body, taking a piece of him with it. He looked like he'd lost so much blood that there was none left in his body, but as Olivia bent ferevishly down to see if he was still breathing, she groped at his wrist for a pulse – and found one.

_God damned fucking miracle_.

"Oh, God, Elliot, please stay with me," she begged as she ripped off her jean jacket. It was stiff, but it was better than nothing to close up his wound for now. She stuffed it under his shirt and pressed down, trying desperately to stop the bleeding, but it wasn't long before the jacket was saturated in deep red blood.

Olivia reached down and looked for a pulse again, and after searching and searching, felt not a single beat. She checked his breathing and practically fainted when she realized that he was gone. "Elliot!" she cried plaintively, beginning CPR. Without even thinking about it, she did mouth-to-mouth, forgetting that she'd wanted to do this ever since she'd met him.

But not in this capacity. Never.

She heard sirens drawing near, and tried even harder to bring back her partner. By now her whole front was drenched in his blood, her lilac t-shirt saturated. She even had a smear across her face.

Then a realization hit her.

_He's not coming back._

The tears began to come again, forgotten in the last couple of minutes but resurrected as she gave up trying to resuscitate Elliot. She heard the ambulance squeal to a halt on the other side of the car, but couldn't even bring herself to move. She just fell back against the car, sobbing into her hands. She knew how unprofessional she must look, but she didn't care.

Elliot was dying.

And before she knew what was happening, the EMT's were surrounding Elliot so that she couldn't even see him. She heard a discombobulated cacophony of voices, all shouting instructions to one another, and heard one of them say, "We've got no pulse! Get him in the bus so we can shock him!"

Then she heard a voice in her ear. "Come on, Liv."

She looked up and saw Cragen and Lake standing above her. "Come on, Liv," Lake repeated. "You have to come. Please tell us what happened." He reached own, offering her a hand, but she ignored it, simply turning away and casting her eyes to the ground again. Elliot and his pack of EMT's were gone, and all that was left was the small ocean of blood that threatened to lap at Olivia's shoes.

She felt an arm around her shoulders and flinched, looking up into Cragen's face.

And she broke down in his arms.

He was like the father she'd never had, the father she'd always longed for. And now he was comforting her like the father he wanted to be to her.

**Mercy General Hospital  
May 5th, 2007**

**(5 hours later) **

Olivia was numb.

She had nothing left.

No energy.

No tears.

And now, no Elliot.

He was really gone.

She'd always assumed that he would be by her side forever, her rock to lean on when things got tough. She'd always taken it for fact that he was invincible, that no bullet could take him down.

She'd received the news ten minutes ago, along with Cragen, Lake, Kathy, Munch, Fin, Casey, and all of Elliot's children. Of course his family had been informed first, but neither she nor her colleagues were left with much to their imaginations when the Stablers came out of the private waiting room, the lot of them ashen-faced, with tears streaming down their fair faces.

And she hadn't said a word since.

She knew Cragen and the others were worried about her. She knew they would probably be better off if she was wearing her grief on her sleeve, sobbing and uncontrollable with her emotion. But in her hollowness, she couldn't bring herself to even move an eyelid. She had collapsed backward into a chair and let her face fall into her hands, elbows resting on her knees, her just-below-shoulder length chestnut hair falling over her face, hiding it from everyone else.

She was vaguely aware of the Stablers crying softly, and her colleagues comforting them. She heard, as if from a great distance, Lake murmuring words of sorrow to Kathleen, and Casey comforting the twins. Cragen and the rest of the detectives plus Munch were with Kathy and Maureen.

She flinched slightly as she felt a hand on her shoulder – she hadn't felt anyone approaching. She turned her white face upwards, and found herself looking into Fin's eyes. His cheeks were streaked with tears, and the second Olivia took a look at him she lost it again.

He dropped to his knees and, without a word, wrapped his arms tightly around her. She'd never seen Fin so vulnerable – he was usually the tough guy who seemed like he could do anything.

Just like Elliot. But never the same.

After a long while, they pushed each other apart, holding each other by the shoulders at arms' length. They stared into each other's eyes for a long while until Olivia spoke.

"Oh, Fin," she whispered, her voice raspy from crying so much that day. "What am I going to do?"

It was then that the realization dawned on Fin – a part of Olivia had died along with Elliot today. He had no idea how to comfort her, so he just murmured back, "Dear, dear Liv, we are all going to be here for you. I promise. You can say anything to any of us."

"He was my partner, Fin," Olivia gasped, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "But he was so much more than that. We were closer than friends, closer even than lovers. We had a bond that went deeper than anything I've ever felt. We were soulmates, by heart and by mind."

Then she reached for Fin again and he held her, letting her cry long into the night.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

**Special Victims Unit  
Manhattan, New York  
May 5****th****, 2008**

Olivia cast her eyes down, twisting her hands in her lap. She remembered the last time she'd had to do this.

Thirteen and a half years ago. She'd been intimidated by Elliot at first, but soon learned to work with his difficult personality. It wasn't long before the pair had developed a symbiosis unlike anything anyone in the SVU had seen before – they seemed to have unspoken mind communications with each other, each seeming to know what the other was speaking at any given moment.

She knew she could never have that connection again, no matter how hard she tried. And she didn't _want_ a connection like that again – it would just set her up for getting hurt again.

Cragen's office was empty, other than herself. In a few moments, she would be meeting her new partner.

She wasn't particularly nervous – the thing that was unsettling to her was that once she took on a new partner...

It was like accepting that Elliot really, truly was gone.

Olivia heard the door squeak almost inaudibly, and turned around to face it. Cragen stepped into his office, followed by a tall blonde man with bright blue eyes.

_So this is Ben,_ Olivia thought before extending her hand to him.

**A/N Take 2: **So what do you think? As I said...R&R...pretty please…those SVU DVD's are 'spensive… ;)

Also, I'm so disappointed you guys can't see the cool fonts I use with this fic on my Microsoft Office for Macs...it looks so much better!! LOL

And finally...here's a sneak peek for the next chap!

**Chapter Two – Nobody's Home**  
Olivia and Ben are on their first case as partners – and its effect on Olivia is unexpected.


	2. Chapter Two: Nobody's Home

**A/N:**Here is the next chapter, much sooner than expected! I actually meant to get this done last night, and I almost finished it…but I had some homework to finish up and that took me longer than I expected. So here it is. Chapter 2! It's pretty long, so it should get you by until this weekend when I plan to update again! Then I won't be able to update until after Christmas (most likely the weekend after). And after that, the updates will be probably twice a week.

The song I used in this chapter has two meanings, both for Olivia. One in regard to the case and one in regard to her personal life.

And please keep leaving those pretty little reviews! I just LURV them, so keep 'em coming! Those reviews are my inspiration!!!!! ;)

**Disclaimer:** The song is "Nobody's Home", written and performed and owned by Avril Lavigne. And of course I don't own any of the characters except for Ben Cermele. Darn.

Here are the lyrics:

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
She felt it everyday.  
And I couldn't help her,  
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
That's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.  
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

Her feelings she hides.  
Her dreams she can't find.  
She's losing her mind.  
She's fallen behind.  
She can't find her place.  
She's losing her faith.  
She's fallen from grace.  
She's all over the place.  
She's lost inside, lost inside.oh oh  
She's lost inside, lost inside.oh oh  
Ohhh...

_**Chapter Two - Nobody's Home**_

**Special Victims Unit  
1-6 Precinct, Manhattan  
May 5****th****, 2008**

The man in front of Olivia was all but what she had expected. He was tall, almost taller than Elliot, and _handsome_. His fair hair was cropped short, and he had what Olivia could only describe as a baby face. But yet, at the same time there was a maturity to the lines his cheekbones that cut through his soft cheeks, and in spite of herself, there was something about him that she was instantly attracted to. Maybe it was the not-too-big bulges that were just visible through the arms of his navy blue blazer, or the stubble that roughened his chin in all the right ways, making him look slightly rugged. If he was totally clean-shaven, he might have looked _too_ crisp in his pale blue shirt and dark suit.

He was damn cute.

But would she be able to "click" with him as his partner?

She held out her hand, and Ben accepted it graciously.

_Damn, this guy has smooth hands._

She shoved the thought out of her head as she molded her features into a forced smile and said, "I am Detective Olivia Benson. You must be Detective Cermele?"

Ben nodded. "Indeed," he said, and Olivia was shocked at the likeness that his voice bore to Elliot's. A slight pang of grief stabbed through her for a second, and then it was gone as quickly as it had come.

Their eyes connected for a moment, blue on brown for the first time in a year, and once again Olivia felt her stomach clench as she looked up – it was like she was looking into Elliot's eyes.

But never the same.

The phone ringing shrilly from Cragen's desk startled them both, and their hands fell back to their sides. The captain moved swiftly over to his desk and lifted the cordless phone from its cradle, bringing it to his ear as he hit "Talk".

"Cragen, Special Victims Unit," he said. Then, after a few seconds pause, "I'll send two detectives right over." He listened for a couple more minutes, then said a quick, "Thanks," and hung up.

He set the phone back down on its cradle with a soft "click" and turned back to Olivia and Ben. "You two ready for your first case as partners?" he asked. Olivia nodded, stealing a sideways glance at Ben, who shrugged. Keeping her voice guarded, she said, "Well, only if Ben's up to it."

"I can send Fin and Lake out if you want," Cragen answered. "I mean, Ben probably wants a chance to settle in. But Fin and Lake have such a huge case load at the moment...I thought this would be a good place to start."

Olivia looked over at Ben, and he immediately picked up on her signal. "Oh, yeah," he said, sounding slightly nonplussed but determined all the same. "I'm happy to start now, Cap."

"Good, Ben. Liv, it's up to you to show the new guy the ropes."

Olivia nodded. "What's the case, Don?"

"15-year-old girl found raped and beaten in a classroom at her high school. CSU's on the scene, but she had to be rushed to Mercy. She was unconscious when her physics teacher found her, and they think her neck is broken. She was naked when she was found. Name is Jaclyn Turner."

Olivia nodded again. "Okay, then. We're on it. You want us at the scene first, or at the hospital?"

"Go to the hospital, see if they found any fluids with the rape kit. All I know is that it ran positive."

One again, Olivia swiped a glance at Ben. He looked slightly shell-shocked at the description of the crime, but he was damn good at hiding it in Olivia's opinion.

"All right," she said, turning to her new partner and trying to put up a game face.

_How can I do this without Elliot? It was so different when I was with all those temps, because it was like his place was never going to be taken by anyone else. But now that Ben's here...I'm not sure I can move on._

She spun on her 2-inch heel and trotted out of the office and through the SVU. She could hear Ben, who was taking care to stay well behind her, and felt a flash of panic. She and Elliot had always done everything together. They even walked side-by-side, not her following Elliot like a well-trained dog or the other way around.

She heard Ben introducing himself to Fin and Lake, and then Munch. If he wanted to, he could catch up to her, she decided, but she refused to wait for him.

Making her way to the elevator, Olivia slammed her fist into the down button beside the elevator doors with a little more force than the meant to, and she drew her hand away quickly, nursing bruised knuckles. Ben was instantly hanging over her shoulder like a little boy, asking to know if she was all right, and she found a hot geyser of annoyance bubbling to the surface of her emotions, threatening to pull a verbal Old Faithful on Ben.

"I'm fine, Ben," she growled, wondering how on earth such a cute guy could be so frustrating to deal with.

_Is this douche-bag married? Must be a freaking miracle if he is. Elliot-_

She stopped her thoughts there as the elevator arrived with an airy "ding". Stepping into the lift and (much more carefully this time) pressing the lobby button, Olivia realized that she was comparing Ben to Elliot too much. It wasn't the poor idiot's fault that he was completely and totally pissing her off. If his predecessor had been someone other than Elliot, he would have been fine to work with. But the truth was that Ben could never take Elliot's place in her heart.

Never.

She sighed involuntarily as the elevator doors opened and the sun-lit lobby spread out in front of her and Ben. Turning her head and giving Ben a half-smile, she stepped off the elevator. Without waiting for him, she strode off across the lobby and out the glass doors. She didn't hold them for him, and he didn't offer to open them for her.

Olivia's car, a pine green sedan, recently acquired, was parked right out front. She veered sharply around the front and hopped in the driver side, sticking the key in and putting her seatbelt on in one fluid motion. She didn't wait for Ben to put his seatbelt on before roaring onto the road in the direction of Mercy General Hospital.

They hadn't been in the car thirty seconds when Ben tried to make small talk. It was the moment Olivia had been dreading – the awkward first conversation. She already knew how it would go, and even had a little bet running with herself.

"So," Ben began, and it took all of Olivia's self-restraint to refrain from rolling her eyes.

She couldn't explain why she'd taken such an instant dislike to him. She'd been okay for the first ten seconds after she'd come face-to-face with him. She'd even thought he was hot.

Which he was. Totally.

But she hated his guts for daring to replace Elliot. _Her_ Elliot.

Ben's voice made her fall back into the present with an unpleasant thud. "You married, or in a relationship?"

She grumbled under her breath. Just another person she'd be humiliated in front of when she said no.

"Nope."

Olivia kicked herself. She hadn't meant to sound so bitter. She hadn't meant to sound so regretful. But when her thoughts were on Elliot, she couldn't help it. And that was pretty often.

"You with anyone?"

The question slipped out before she could stop it. It was almost automatic, but yet, against her will, she found herself wanting to know the answer.

Ben nodded. "Yep, married. I have a little one on the way, as a matter of fact."

"Con_grats_," Olivia said dryly, a bit more harshly than she intended. Under her breath she added, "Whatever."

"Hey," Ben growled. "You got a problem with me, or something?"

Olivia was so taken aback by his bluntness that she nearly missed the turn for Mercy. "What?" She said, flicking her eyes to him before looking back at the road. "Why would you think that?"

_This guy should be a laywer. He sure isn't afraid to say it like it is, I guess._

"Well, you've said hardly two words to me since we met, you will hardly look at me, and I get the feeling I'm driving you a little batty."

_Now why would he think that?_ Olivia said sarcastically to herself. But she kept the thought exclusively in her head. To Ben she simply said, "That's ridiculous."

"Oh, really?" Ben said, anger tingeing his smooth voice, making it sound like nails carving into butter. "Elaborate."

But Olivia quickly avoided appeasing him by swerving into the parking garage that was adjacent to Mercy's visitors' entrance. She pulled into the first empty space she could find, which was mercifully close to the entrance, and hopped out of the car with a disgusted glare at Ben.

"Well, so what if you 'drive me batty'," she argued, making sharp air quotes around Ben's phrase. "All we have to do is work together. No socializing, no hanging out after work. We just have to tolerate each other."

Ben scowled. "You know, over in Homicide we'd all go out for drinks after a successful case closure. Even Lieutenant Johnson would go. We were all really good friends on the side of work. I thought that maybe, just _maybe_, I might be able to find that here, also." He hung his head, and Olivia was reminded forcefully of a small child being reprimanded too harshly for a small mistake.

In spite of herself, her heart went out to him.

"Ben, it's not your fault," she murmured, suddenly feeling guilty for being such a bitch to him. Even she admitted to herself that she was being bitchy. "Me and my last partner, we were really close. More than just partners. More than friends, even."

Understanding shone in Ben's eyes. "Ah," he said. "He boned you." Olivia blanched at the crude disrespect that sliced through Ben's voice like a deadly weapon. "No, asshole. He did not, as a matter of fact." She paused. "We were...I can't even describe it. Closer than anything I've ever felt, even closer than any relationship I've been in."

She could feel the intense energy radiating out of Ben's body dissipating as quickly as it had sparked into life. "What happened to him?" he asked, and Olivia knew that he expected the answer she was about to give. She gave it anyway.

"He was killed on the job, one year ago today. Ironic, huh, that today was your first day?"

"Irony of all ironies," Ben grumbled, softening. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

She was so unused to being called this by her colleagues that she snapped, "It's_Liv_. Oh, sorry." There it was again, the nastiness that seemed to be provoked in Ben's presence. He frowned again, but a half-smile appeared on his face as she caught herself. It was the first time she'd seen him smile, and it was pretty nice.

_God, he's your partner. What the hell are you thinking? You can't be attracted to him. Look how that went up in smoke last time it happened._

"Well, then, _Liv_," he said, "I'm so sorry about your partner. But isn't there any way you could find it in yourself to…I don't know, maybe get along with me?"

She nodded, fighting back the tears that were threatening her. "That sounds good, Ben. I'll try. I just...every time I look at you I compare you to him. But that's not fair. I don't know you at all, and I can't do that to you."

His smile broadened, and he walked over to her, slipping his arm around her shoulders. "Now that we have that all settled, I do believe I have my first Special Victim case to crack!"

Olivia giggled, a very un-Olivia giggle, and stepped out right in sync with Ben's footsteps. But as they exited the garage and turned right, toward the visitors' entrance to Mercy, she slipped uncomfortably away from his grip on her shoulders. A fleeting glance up at his sparkling blue eyes told her that he was thinking exactly the same thing about her that she was thinking about him.

_He's hot._

They swept through the automatic doors, still in stride with one another. It felt a hell of a lot more normal to Olivia now that she had had it out with Ben. There was so much more out in the open.

_He understands what I'm going through._

They got to the front desk and Olivia asked for Jaclyn Turner's room. 231. Intensive Care Unit. Ben thanked the receptionist and followed Olivia over to the elevator doors.

Olivia reached out and hit the "up" button, and thankfully it took only a few seconds for the doors to open. The elevator was empty, and she stepped on, with Ben following her closely. Olivia hit the "2" button, the doors shut, and the pair were left in silence with each other.

Ben didn't waste any time.

"You know, Liv, I _get_ you. I knew from the second I met you that we were alike. That we were meant to know each other."

Before Olivia could ask Ben to explain further, the elevator ground to a halt. Olivia cast a questioning look over at him before stepping off the elevator.

"Room two-thirty-one," she instructed, motioning with her hand for Ben to hurry. "We need to get a move on, or Cragen will have our skins."

They found their way to the room, and entered.

And Olivia was struck with a thought.

As she took in the pretty black-haired girl lying on the bed, her face covered in cuts and bruises and her neck wrapped in a thick brace, she realized that she'd forgotten to prepare Ben for the cases the Special Victims Unit covered. Sex crimes were a whole different ball game from homicides, and now the ultimate test was being thrown at Ben.

She looked over at his face and saw him look impassively at her. Taking that as a sign to continue, she stepped forward. The girl was asleep, but as soon as Olivia came in, she opened her eyes.

"Hi Jaclyn, I'm Olivia," Olivia said in a soft, comforting voice that made Jaclyn give a tiny smile. "I'm a cop, and I'm here to ask you some questions about what happened to you."

The expression on Jaclyn's face did a 180 so fast that none of her former sweetness was there. A scowl knit her neatly plucked black eyebrows, and her eyes hardened, refusing to let the slightest hint of emotion through them.

She'd handled things like this before.

"Sweetie, I know that you don't want to talk about it, but I need to know what happened so we can catch the person that did this to you. Please, tell me what happened."

Jaclyn gave a deep sigh. Closing her eyes, she began to speak, and her voice was small and meek as she spoke. "School let out and I needed to use the bathroom before the bus, so I ducked in there really quick. When I was done, though, I unlocked the stall and someone grabbed me. He shoved me back into the stall and told me that if I left he'd shoot me." She opened her eyes and looked up at Olivia, her eyes filling with tears.

"Good job, sweetheart," Olivia murmured, "I know how hard this is for you. But I have a few more questions for you. Did you get a chance to see his face?"

Jaclyn shook her head. "No. I tried, but he was wearing a mask."

Olivia nodded. "Is there anything else you remember?"

"I...I remember waiting in the stall for about two hours. I had a watch on, so I kept an eye on that. But I was too scared to leave."

Suddenly Ben interrupted. "Hi, Jaclyn, I'm Ben," he said, walking over to the other side of her bed and kneeling down. The girl looked over at him, and he said "You'd think your parents would have missed you. Did you ever consider that? How do we know you aren't making this up to explain away a night out drinking or doing something you weren't supposed to?"

A tear rolled down Jaclyn's face, and Olivia immediately stood up. "Ben, can I see you outside for a moment?" she hissed, her voice like poison. "We'll be right back, Jaclyn," she said in a gentler tone to the girl.

Olivia practically dragged Ben out of the room by his arm. "Hey, get a clue: you're not in Homicide any more! Here, we actually have to deal with _live_ victims, and yes, they are _victims_, not perps. So we have to learn to deal with victims _and_ perps. Got it?"

Ben crossed his arms, ripping his sleeve out of her death grip. "Sure, Liv. But how _do_ we know she isn't feeding us a line of crap?"

Olivia mimicked him, crossing her arms and leaning in so that her face was inches from his. "Because," she growled, her voice oozing deadliness, "They are victims until proven otherwise. Either do it my way or get out."

"Fine," Ben said, pouting like a little kid. "Can we get back to interviewing our _victim_?"

Shaking her head in disgust, Olivia brushed past him and stalked back into the room. "Sorry about that," she said to Jaclyn. "Ben will be taking notes," she added, looking pointedly at her partner, who grudgingly reached into his pocket and drew out a small notebook. "That's all right, Olivia," Jaclyn said softly.

"Anyway," Olivia said, "Can you tell us what happened after you were in the bathroom?"

"The man came back in, and told me that everyone was gone for the day, so it was just me and him. He took me back to my physics classroom and started to kiss me. Then he undressed me and raped me, and then he made me..." Jaclyn's voice trailed off and Olivia could see her begin to tremble. "He made you do what? It's okay, you can trust us," Olivia murmured, reaching for Jaclyn's hand. "He made me go down on him," Jaclyn whispered. Olivia nodded, her face full of sympathy. "Did he make you do anything else?"

Jaclyn suddenly looked like she was about to cry. "I refused. And he got really, really mad. He just started beating me. I felt something snap in my neck, and that's when I blacked out from the pain. When I woke up he was gone, but I had…stuff, from him, all over my face, so I tried to get up and rinse it off. I made it to the bathroom and washed everything off and made it back to my classroom before I passed out again. And then I woke up here."

Olivia felt disappointment rising in her throat like bile. They had just lost the DNA evidence that would link them to the perp!

But she didn't tell Jaclyn this. Instead, she said, "Just a few more questions, Jaclyn. You're doing great so far. Did he speak at all?"

"Yes, a little bit."

"Did he sound like a grown man, or a kid?"

Jaclyn didn't answer, and for the second time, Ben cut in. "But you said he was kissing you before he raped you," he said. "He must have had to take his mask off to do that. According to the way you told the story, you had to have seen his face."

Jaclyn remained silent. Olivia was impressed with Ben's skills of deduction, but she hoped Jaclyn wasn't hiding something like Ben suspected.

"Jaclyn?" Ben pressed. The girl looked over at him with her eyes, unable to move her neck because of the thick brace keeping it rigid. "I-I saw his face," she murmured. "It was my...my half-brother."

Olivia's eyes widened, and she was about to say something, but Jaclyn continued. "He's 17, he's a senior. He's my half-brother because my mom was raped and I'm the product."

Olivia's stomach clenched.

_That would be like Simon raping me,_ she thought, her heart pounding a staccato tattoo against her chest. But she ignored it as she forced herself to continue the interview. "What's his name?" she said.

"Jake Slateman."

"And can you tell us your parents' names?"

"I don't know my real father's name, but my mom's name is Amanda Slateman. My dad's name is Tom Slateman."

"Wouldn't your parents have realized that you never came home from school?"

"They're out of town for the week. I'm staying at home with Jake."

Olivia blinked. She vaguely wondered why Jake had chosen to rape Jaclyn in the school rather than at home, where there was nobody to find out.

But she kept it to herself.

"Well, we'll try and get in touch with your parents as soon as we can. In the meantime, you just rest and try to start healing. We will let you know if we catch Jake."

"Thanks, Olivia," Jaclyn said quietly. She closed her eyes again, and before Olivia knew it, the 15-year-old was asleep.

"Come on," Olivia said softly to Ben. The two detectives left the room in silence, and stayed that way all the way to the garage. Olivia opened her car door and got inside, but when she shut the door she didn't turn the key on. She just sat there, staring at her lap.

"Are you all right, Liv?" Ben murmured, reaching over and placing his hand on her shoulder. She nodded, but when she raised her head, there were thin wet lines down her cheeks where her tears had fallen. "You know that girl in there?" she said with no prompting from Ben. "We share a history. I'm a product of my mother's rape. I found out not all that long ago that my father was happily married when he did that to my mom, and I have had a half-brother floating around out there. Simon and I want to be close, but we never have gotten the chance to know each other. Hearing this story, it makes me wonder if that was the right choice."

Ben sighed heavily. "Oh, God, Liv, I had no idea. I would say I'm sorry, but..."

She gave a half-laugh. "Yeah, that phrase is way too over-used. I just...I can't decide if I'm perfect for this case or horrible for it."

"Tell you what," Ben said. "Why don't we go for coffee real quick? Just Starbucks for five minutes. Cragen won't care about that, will he?"

Olivia shook her head. "That sounds great, Ben." She stuck the key in the ignition and shifted the car into drive the second it sputtered to life. Ben's hand remained on her shoulder as she pulled out of the garage, and she had to admit that she kind of liked it.

**Residence of Olivia Benson  
Manhattan  
May 5****th****, 2008**

Olivia's door swung inward, and she stepped inside, tossing her keys on the small table that sat to her immediate left. The apartment was deathly quiet, and she felt herself slipping into that familiar sadness that accompanied her return to her apartment every night.

As she walked slowly through into her bedroom, she passed her couch, and memories flooded her mind. She remembered in particular the time she and Elliot had sat there, looking through the box of things Simon had sent her so she could "get to know him". Elliot had found the link to the rape allegations against her brother through his high school yearbook. It was a detail that Olivia herself had missed.

She was totally lost without Elliot. After his death, she'd fallen apart. She remembered sitting at his funeral, listening to Maureen read the eulogy, and silently sobbing. She'd sat between Fin and Cragen, who both had their arms around her. If she believed in spirituality, she would have wondered if Elliot was watching.

Olivia Benson had lost all dignity that day. And she didn't care.

She heard Maureen's voice in her head, clear as if it was happening before her eyes at that very moment. She felt the tears pricking at her eyes, ripping her soul to shreds, just like they had that day.

"_My father was many things, but he was first and foremost a hero. He was a hero not just because of his job, not just because of the countless lives he's protected, not just because he was loyal to his family, and not just because he was a wonderful father. He was a hero because he brought out the hero in other people, made them stronger just by his own strength."_

Olivia had hardly listened to the rest of the speech. The rest of the time, she was lost in her grief, wandering through the endless twists and turns that would eventually lead her out of the fog of despair that shrouded her mind.

She was still misguided. She knew she should have seen a grief counselor. All of her co-workers had for a short time after Elliot's death. And none of them were as involved with him as she was.

They had been soulmates. Plain and simple. And she knew she could never forget him. The only thing she regretted was that she had never told him how she felt.

And she'd never known how he felt about her.

At times, it had seemed like there was electricity crackling between them, ready to spark into full-blown flames. But then there were the moments when they were like brother and sister, when she just needed a friend to lean on or he needed someone to talk to about his problems with Kathy.

But her questions would never get answers. Her soul would never rest until she found him again.

Olivia walked into her bathroom and turned the water on. She made her way back into her dark bedroom and, without turning the light on, stripped down to bare skin. She flipped the light on in the bathroom on her way back in, then hopped in the shower.

She wished the steamy water could revitalize her, cast some energy on her exhausted body, worn out like an old pair of jeans. She wished that her sweet-smelling apple and grapefruit shampoo could send her troubles streaming down the drain with the suds, swept away forever.

Fifteen minutes later, she climbed out of the shower, relishing in the steam that filled her bathroom, making it seem like a spa. She grabbed a fluffy towel from its hook on the back of the door and dried herself off, then wrapped her hair in it and padded back into her bedroom.

For all those things she wished, the thing she wished for the most right now was that Elliot could be here again. But for now, nobody could answer her silent pleas.

**A/N: **I'm really looking forward to writing the next chap...big bombshell to drop in the one after that...and chap 3 really sets up for that! Here's your sneak peek:

**Chapter Three – Take Me Away**  
Ben is a convenient distraction for Olivia's grief...but what happens when she finds out the truth behind the biggest lie she's ever believed?


End file.
